Learn To Get Healthy

Every couple, at some times, have relationship strains. There is no getting away from that plain piece of truth. As we recognise that the ‘perfect couple’ doesn’t exist, we can relax and then try and enhance/make better/repair our relationship with our own partner.

All couples, at some time or another, take strain in their relationship. Nothing can hide this universal fact. Recognising that there is, and never has been, a ‘perfect couple’, means that we can finally relax and get on with the job in hand of improving/restoring/maintaining our own individual partnership.

We are not saying communication is not over until both parties agree with each other. Most times, that will be an impossibility. No. We are saying that communication is enhanced tremendously when both parties feel understood by the other - even if they “agree to disagree” at the end of the communication.

How is this ‘active listening’ achieved? It is done through each partner reflecting back to the other what they have heard being said - or what they have perceived the other to have said.

What is to be reflected back is the facts - and also the feelings - of what was said. After the original speaker has heard them reflected back by the listener, the speaker can then ‘tweak’ the response to make sure the listener really did grasp the feelings and facts (or emotions and content) of what was originally communicated by the speaker.

Bear in mind, at all times, that the purpose of this exercise is not to get the listener to agree with the speaker - they probably won’t! The purpose is to enable the speaker to feel understood. We all know that great feeling when we can say/feel, “At least somebody understands me!”

Let us take an example. Jim and Denise have a disagreement about the laundry. Denise: “I’m really frustrated and cross that you never undo your dirty socks but just peel them off and throw them into the laundry without unravelling them. Then I end up having to do it. I get very angry as I keep telling you and I feel upset that it makes no difference.”

Jim: “You’re saying that you’re really upset and angry with me for not unravelling my socks?” Denise: “That’s right. And also that I then end up having to do it.” Jim: “And that you get fed up because you then end up doing it if I don’t.” Denise: “Yes, that’s right. I do it in the end.”

As this example shows, the end result of active listening (which is the desired effect) is that Denise feels that she is understood. Jim may not think she is right (and may selfishly not even unravel his socks again) but at least Denise feels understood - that Jim has heard her and knows how she feels about the situation.

And when active listening has been reciprocated by the other, a very good two-way means of communication is established. Both parties will then feel that they are understood. The premise of communication not being over until both parties feel understood has been satisfactorily achieved.

Please note here Denise’s use of “I” messages rather than a “You” accusation. She is recognising and accepting that ultimately, regardless of what Jim has done, she is the one who is angry, cross, frustrated and upset and she has to ‘own’ that. An “I” message recognises that we have be responsible for our emotions and actions, regardless if someone else has done anything to precipitate them.

And had Denise just blasted Jim with a “You” accusation like, “You make me so angry because you don’t unravel your bloody socks,” he would almost certainly have just got defensive. That is not surprising - would any of us respond differently? He would then, most probably, respond back aggressively - causing the argument to escalate.

‘Active listening’ and “I” messages? Does it sound like a load of old rubbish? Then why don’t you try and prove it to yourself? Practice it on your partner and see if it works. Reflect back to them what is being said and felt. You’re not being a parrot. Rather, you are genuinely trying to make sure your partner feels that you understand them by reflecting back the emotions and content of what they have said.

And what if it all goes wrong and strife does break out? It is still not to late to bring in the skills of ‘active listening’ and “I” messages. After tempers have had chance to cool, it is still possible to pick up the pieces, make amends and let your partner feel understood. And they will appreciate that.

So, there we go. Try and practice it. And then try some more. Watch some of the frustrations, angers and tensions drain out of the relationship as your partner begins to feel understood. And then try it on your kids, your in-laws, your boss, your next door neighbour, etc. In fact, you can try it on absolutely anyone you want to improve communication with!